An ex-boyfriend contacted me recently and told me that he and his new girlfriend are expecting a child. I guess congratulations should have been my choice of words, however, it was not. Now, I am sure that several reading this would say, I was jealous, mean and a bit insensitive, and I actually think that all may be true, but not for the reason that you may think. My insecurities weren't because he had moved on, (he sincerely deserves to have a family since he has not had the pleasure of having one of his own), but because of the simple fact that I could not bare children anymore. See, when I found out that I was HIV+, a close family member (whom shall remain nameless) highly suggested that I choose to tie my tubes for several reasons. One, because I think they were ignorant to the possibilities of HIV+ moms having healthy, "normal" children, but secondly because of their fear of me being a woman with too many kids and not having the means to support them if my "illness" got bad (really I think they thought that I was going to leave too soon and they would be left to raise my "tribe"). Where their concerns may have been warranted, making the suggestion that a person give up the right to bare more children due to an illness is a personal choice and should not be taken lightly.
What the person didn't know was that I always had the desire to have a "rainbow tribe" of children like Josephine Baker. The sound of children laughing, tiny footsteps on hardwood floors, watching in amazement the accomplishments they succeed at (or even fail at) and the thought that I can love someone unconditionally and they can love me back is so romantic to me. But, fate would have it that I listened to that person and at the VERY last minute, literally, (I was only an hour away from having my C-Section), when I finally agreed. To this day, I believe it was the worst decision I have ever made in life and I live with the regret of not trusting MY instincts, instead of someone else's. This led me to think about stigma and how it has blocked so many people from becoming one thing.....the person who they really are. So many times we have made decisions based on what someone else would think about us and if the thought would be a positive one. What if for one moment, you didn't care what others thought of you? Would you change how you act? Would you change how you dress? Would you change your career? Would you actually follow your dreams and even if you failed, feel thrilled that you had the opportunity to even have the moment to try? What if George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Tuskegee airmen, the brave men and women that protect our country and rights, Albert Einstein, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Jesus, and many, many others we all may or may not know just decided to not be great or do great? Where would we be? How would we be? Would someone else step up to the plate? I wonder if they even thought twice about what they embarked to do and if so, what helped them to make the decisions they did?
I give much respect and support to those that have decided to openly live differently than the social norm. They show us how to not allow fear to become bigger than our faith. Inside those special people, something is saying to them, "I got you and I will never let you fail and even if you do, I am here to pick you right back up and push you on your way to greatness". In my world that something is God. He keeps me when no one else wants to or can. He allows me to live without fear that someone is going to read this blog and think negatively of me. (And even if they did, I wouldn't care). A great man used to say to me as I was growing up....."Opinions are like butt holes, every one's got one and they all stink to someone else!" So today I encourage you to think about who you really are and live your life to the fullest, no matter who is watching and what they are going to say about it later. You never know, they may be wanting to do the same thing, but were too scared to go out on a limb and be different because of the stigma of failing or not being like everyone else. I have realized that since becoming HIV+, I will NEVER be like anyone else and I am OK with that! There are going to be people that are not going to like me simply because of the 3 letter disease that is running through my body. People are not going to like me because I have short hair, or I am a woman, or the fact that I am outspoken.....and that is OK because I feel great in knowing that I decided to live my life to find the best me without reservation to make it easy for those that are coming along beside and behind me in this thing we call life.
As always....Minutes +/- Moments = Lifetime....Make them all count!
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