An ex-boyfriend contacted me recently and told me that he and his new girlfriend are expecting a child. I guess congratulations should have been my choice of words, however, it was not. Now, I am sure that several reading this would say, I was jealous, mean and a bit insensitive, and I actually think that all may be true, but not for the reason that you may think. My insecurities weren't because he had moved on, (he sincerely deserves to have a family since he has not had the pleasure of having one of his own), but because of the simple fact that I could not bare children anymore. See, when I found out that I was HIV+, a close family member (whom shall remain nameless) highly suggested that I choose to tie my tubes for several reasons. One, because I think they were ignorant to the possibilities of HIV+ moms having healthy, "normal" children, but secondly because of their fear of me being a woman with too many kids and not having the means to support them if my "illness" got bad (really I think they thought that I was going to leave too soon and they would be left to raise my "tribe"). Where their concerns may have been warranted, making the suggestion that a person give up the right to bare more children due to an illness is a personal choice and should not be taken lightly.
What the person didn't know was that I always had the desire to have a "rainbow tribe" of children like Josephine Baker. The sound of children laughing, tiny footsteps on hardwood floors, watching in amazement the accomplishments they succeed at (or even fail at) and the thought that I can love someone unconditionally and they can love me back is so romantic to me. But, fate would have it that I listened to that person and at the VERY last minute, literally, (I was only an hour away from having my C-Section), when I finally agreed. To this day, I believe it was the worst decision I have ever made in life and I live with the regret of not trusting MY instincts, instead of someone else's. This led me to think about stigma and how it has blocked so many people from becoming one thing.....the person who they really are. So many times we have made decisions based on what someone else would think about us and if the thought would be a positive one. What if for one moment, you didn't care what others thought of you? Would you change how you act? Would you change how you dress? Would you change your career? Would you actually follow your dreams and even if you failed, feel thrilled that you had the opportunity to even have the moment to try? What if George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Tuskegee airmen, the brave men and women that protect our country and rights, Albert Einstein, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Jesus, and many, many others we all may or may not know just decided to not be great or do great? Where would we be? How would we be? Would someone else step up to the plate? I wonder if they even thought twice about what they embarked to do and if so, what helped them to make the decisions they did?
I give much respect and support to those that have decided to openly live differently than the social norm. They show us how to not allow fear to become bigger than our faith. Inside those special people, something is saying to them, "I got you and I will never let you fail and even if you do, I am here to pick you right back up and push you on your way to greatness". In my world that something is God. He keeps me when no one else wants to or can. He allows me to live without fear that someone is going to read this blog and think negatively of me. (And even if they did, I wouldn't care). A great man used to say to me as I was growing up....."Opinions are like butt holes, every one's got one and they all stink to someone else!" So today I encourage you to think about who you really are and live your life to the fullest, no matter who is watching and what they are going to say about it later. You never know, they may be wanting to do the same thing, but were too scared to go out on a limb and be different because of the stigma of failing or not being like everyone else. I have realized that since becoming HIV+, I will NEVER be like anyone else and I am OK with that! There are going to be people that are not going to like me simply because of the 3 letter disease that is running through my body. People are not going to like me because I have short hair, or I am a woman, or the fact that I am outspoken.....and that is OK because I feel great in knowing that I decided to live my life to find the best me without reservation to make it easy for those that are coming along beside and behind me in this thing we call life.
As always....Minutes +/- Moments = Lifetime....Make them all count!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thankful for another year
So today is my birthday!) I am blessed to have so many friends and family that have said some kind words over the day. I will admit, it has had me crying a few times, but for the most part, I have spent the last few days reflecting on the past year and I sincerely can't be anything but greatful! Normally, I would have a big birthday bash planned, but his year I decided to do things a little differently. I sat back and let someone else plan for me, the problem is....Noone did. For those that don't really know me, I am EXTREMELY happy about ANYONE'S birthday. It is another year to celebrate having that person in my life (as selfish, yet thoughtful as that may sound) Not sure if that is the Leo or the Virgo trait, but none the less, birthdays are important and should be celebrated to the fullest.
I have been blessed to have countless friends and family to show me support in ways that are unimaginable. However, my biggest hurdle through the past 11 years has been to be treated like.......a person, not a disease. The hurdle wasn't for anyone else to jump over but myself is the realization that I came to. You see, I could never understand why after my presentations or speeches why so many people gravitated towards little me (I only stand 5'2, and according to my 5'10 15 year old, that makes me a little person), but it dawned on me that I have accepted what is going on with me and therefore it makes it easier for others to accept what has happened to me. The red flag should have just went up in your brain.....Message: If I can accept me for who I am, then everyone else should be able to do the same. Lord knows that I am not perfect, but I have chosen to strive for perfection, with the understanding that I may never get there AND THAT IS OK! People are watching my every move looking for the mistakes, but if I turn the tables and see that the lessons are more valuable than the turmoil, I have won the battle.
Today, I ask that everyone reflect on being thankful for another day to be accepted by the friends and family that you have no matter your circumstance and imagine if you weren't and what life would be like. You may be surprised to hear that not everyone accepts me for who I am and today I am saying with the biggest smile on my face and tears in my eyes......THAT IS OK! I am just thankful to celebrate another year being who I am, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an Auntie, a cousin, a friend, a person just like you!)
Remember, Minutes +/- Moments = Lifetime! Make them all count!
-Positively yours,
Dee
I have been blessed to have countless friends and family to show me support in ways that are unimaginable. However, my biggest hurdle through the past 11 years has been to be treated like.......a person, not a disease. The hurdle wasn't for anyone else to jump over but myself is the realization that I came to. You see, I could never understand why after my presentations or speeches why so many people gravitated towards little me (I only stand 5'2, and according to my 5'10 15 year old, that makes me a little person), but it dawned on me that I have accepted what is going on with me and therefore it makes it easier for others to accept what has happened to me. The red flag should have just went up in your brain.....Message: If I can accept me for who I am, then everyone else should be able to do the same. Lord knows that I am not perfect, but I have chosen to strive for perfection, with the understanding that I may never get there AND THAT IS OK! People are watching my every move looking for the mistakes, but if I turn the tables and see that the lessons are more valuable than the turmoil, I have won the battle.
Today, I ask that everyone reflect on being thankful for another day to be accepted by the friends and family that you have no matter your circumstance and imagine if you weren't and what life would be like. You may be surprised to hear that not everyone accepts me for who I am and today I am saying with the biggest smile on my face and tears in my eyes......THAT IS OK! I am just thankful to celebrate another year being who I am, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an Auntie, a cousin, a friend, a person just like you!)
Remember, Minutes +/- Moments = Lifetime! Make them all count!
-Positively yours,
Dee
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Purpose
On Friday, I had the pleasure of being at the right place at the right time. A young lady was passed out in our parking lot, in what was a suicide attempt, I was able to find out later. She had taken an overdose of prescription pills and decided to lay in her car while the med kicked in, but God had another purpose for her. I was told that she had been experiencing problems in her marriage and at work which lead to the attempt. Whatever the rhyme, or reason, I quickly sprung into action, assessing the situation and making sure that her airway was open and she had a pulse, all the while thinking, "Lady please don't die in front of me!! Its Friday!" Thankfully, she is doing better, but was on a ventilator/respirator, in ICU, and much more medical mayhem.
Often times we don't think that our lives have a purpose when we are going through what seems like the struggle of a lifetime, but it is when we are released from the stronghold of thinking that we are struggling is when we are able to witness to someone else and encourage them to make it via our strength to keep going.
I have spoken at various venues over the past 11 years and never thought twice about how telling my story impacts the audience. It wasn't until recently when I spoke at University of Richmond, that I realized the strength and power of my story to help someone else make it through.
That day was a rough day for me, I had to wake up early to catch two buses (I thankfully have a car now), I only had $5 in my pocket, of which my son asked for $3 so he could eat school lunch for the day, I wasn't feeling well (my favorite twin sisters, Nausea and Diarrhea, decided to show up and show out) and I was the epitome of The Color Purple scene at the Thanksgiving table,..."Sophia was feeling mighty low", but through it all, standing in front of those 40 or so students advising them to make healthy, wise decisions in every facet of their lives, made me see that my daily living was an inspiration to many for so many reasons that I couldn't think of them all. It gave me a moment to say to myself, "keep on keeping on, because someone else needs to see your strength". What a powerful and stunning statement!
Several of the students approached me afterwards in tears and cautiously mentioned how some of their past actions may have put them at risk for more adversity than necessary in their life, but through receiving a good dose of reality, and the realization that it is OK to make a mistake as long as you learned something in the process (good or bad), they felt is was one of the best lectures they had ever received.
I don't think that I have ever thought of my illness as a mistake in a negative sense, but more of the realization that crap happens, and it is how we come out on the other side smelling like a bed of roses when get through it that matters. So today I encourage you to go out and experience life no matter your situation or struggle because at the end of the day you will be victorious since nothing beats a failure, but a try and you may be the inspiration for someone else to keep moving forward.
-Have a Positively Great day!!!!
I have to add, that I know it is not me that makes it alone, but the power and strength God gives me daily by just having one more day to be in the service:)
Often times we don't think that our lives have a purpose when we are going through what seems like the struggle of a lifetime, but it is when we are released from the stronghold of thinking that we are struggling is when we are able to witness to someone else and encourage them to make it via our strength to keep going.
I have spoken at various venues over the past 11 years and never thought twice about how telling my story impacts the audience. It wasn't until recently when I spoke at University of Richmond, that I realized the strength and power of my story to help someone else make it through.
That day was a rough day for me, I had to wake up early to catch two buses (I thankfully have a car now), I only had $5 in my pocket, of which my son asked for $3 so he could eat school lunch for the day, I wasn't feeling well (my favorite twin sisters, Nausea and Diarrhea, decided to show up and show out) and I was the epitome of The Color Purple scene at the Thanksgiving table,..."Sophia was feeling mighty low", but through it all, standing in front of those 40 or so students advising them to make healthy, wise decisions in every facet of their lives, made me see that my daily living was an inspiration to many for so many reasons that I couldn't think of them all. It gave me a moment to say to myself, "keep on keeping on, because someone else needs to see your strength". What a powerful and stunning statement!
Several of the students approached me afterwards in tears and cautiously mentioned how some of their past actions may have put them at risk for more adversity than necessary in their life, but through receiving a good dose of reality, and the realization that it is OK to make a mistake as long as you learned something in the process (good or bad), they felt is was one of the best lectures they had ever received.
I don't think that I have ever thought of my illness as a mistake in a negative sense, but more of the realization that crap happens, and it is how we come out on the other side smelling like a bed of roses when get through it that matters. So today I encourage you to go out and experience life no matter your situation or struggle because at the end of the day you will be victorious since nothing beats a failure, but a try and you may be the inspiration for someone else to keep moving forward.
-Have a Positively Great day!!!!
I have to add, that I know it is not me that makes it alone, but the power and strength God gives me daily by just having one more day to be in the service:)
Friday, August 10, 2012
Positively the first, but not the last
Today is the first post of many that will give a glimpse into the daily life of living positive. Some may think this is not something to share, but my prayer is that someone infected or affected will read my daily trials and see that life ain't so bad being HIV+. Now, that is not an invitation for anyone to go and contract HIV on purpose, but hopefully some of these blogs will offer some comfort, love, support and even a laugh or two as we journey together in this positively lovely life. Not every post is going to be about HIV/AIDS, so stay tuned to what will happen next in the day and the life of someone living positively.
Minutes +/- Moments = A Lifetime
-Positively Yours :)
Minutes +/- Moments = A Lifetime
It takes minutes to complete a task, and a moment to make a difference to equal a lifetime of memories. Remember to make EVERY minute and moment count towards a lifetime of greatness!
-Positively Yours :)
Deirdre
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